Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
