Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
