She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize