Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize