Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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