Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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