Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You can't just leave with hair like that
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
