Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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