If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
