i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
