New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
