Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
