She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize