now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
