Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
