Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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