Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
