i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
