I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
