she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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