I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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