Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
