Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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