Apparently you make a good broom.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Randomize
