i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
