I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
