Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
