I need help removing her.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
