i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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