Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
