He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
