Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
