he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
as a side note pls kill me
wow bdsm is so cute
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
