Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize