I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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