A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just threw up on my dentist
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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