please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
