i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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