i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
