piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
