i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
