He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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