I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
