theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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