I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
