pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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