there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
