You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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