she woke up with a sticky ear
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
