what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
