Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Boobs speak an international language.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
