I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
