I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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