Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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