Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
