The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
