Cold hands, warm shart.
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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