and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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