you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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