you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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